The Art of Being Gay
by illyria-light
Summary: The Art of Being Gay as told by Draco Malfoy.


This is a stupid little fic my friend Tiffany and I made up while being bored in biology. This idea was taken from my friend Rachel's screenname.

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The Art of Being Gay

As told by Draco Malfoy

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Hello, one and all. I am Draco Malfoy and, as I am an expert in this particular area, I am here to teach you The Art of Being Gay.

(For men only…no lesbians allowed. I just don't go there)

The first thing, and the most important part, is that you ACTUALLY LIKE THE SAME SEX! I am sick and tired of these _metrosexual_ chaps taking everything we real gays have built up over the years and turning it into a freak show. It's fabulous that you people now smell better, but _honestly_, if you're not gay, stop acting the part. It gets too bloody confusing. I don't like it when I try to hit on men and it turns out they're into girls. It happened with Blaise Zabini and from then on, I've been forced to refine my GAYDAR in order to prevent little mishaps like that from happening again, which takes an immense amount of energy that I could be putting into to snogging or fixing my hair.

Which segues into our next topic: Looking the part.ignores metrosexuals the key is to always dress up, even if the occasion doesn't require it. Silk shirts, tight pants (leather is always a good choice) and the finest Italian boots are a must. Hair must always look as though you had just been to a salon. Whether it's gelled back (my preferred style) or haphazardly framing your face in that it-looks-like-I-just-rolled-out-of-bed-but-it-really-took-me-an-hour-to-do-this style, it needs to suit you perfectly or the whole look will be thrown off. I've seen this happen and, boys, it's not very pretty. The hot men ruined over a bad haircut are too numerous to count…and too sad. The shags I could have been part of. sighs

Now….this is just a short list clothing items that you CANNOT wear at ANY time during life as a gay man…EVER!

Flannel shirts

Any sports jersey

Ultra baggy jeans

Acid-washed jeans

Any shirt with a swear word on it

Any shirt with holes in it that are not supposed to be there.

Anything Chartreuse (no one looks good in that color)

Any _bling bling _larger than you fist

Then, there is the attitude; an integral strand of the _Gay Web of Life_. When gay, it doesn't pay to be shy. It pays to be aggressive. You are NOT a GIRL! You are a MAN….be proud of it and use that knowledge to the best of your ability. Stand tall with a straight back. Seem confident, but not arrogant. Smile _seductively_, which is always fun. Just make sure the person you are smiling seductively at is not a metrosexual. grumbles And don't strut. Strutting makes gay men look like very well-dressed roosters. Although I must admit that a well-dressed rooster is better than a horridly dressed rooster any day of the week, there is no excuse for becoming a barnyard animal. It just isn't proper. This also goes for men who insist on wearing leisure suits with large lapels and those tacky platform shoes with the goldfish in them. Strutting is NOT your friend.

The activities of a gay man should be just as gay as the gay man himself. Jazzercising, shopping, hanging out with gal pals, seeing musicals, and going to gay clubs are all acceptable extracuriculars. There are many more, but I choose not to name them here because there are just too many to put down. So, when in doubt if an activity is gay enough or not, just look around. Are there other gay men there? Are there women there? Are you able to be flamboyant without hearing people mutter _'damn queer'_ or just staring at you as though you were the scum of the Earth? If so, then have at it!

The last thing you need to know is: don't let those conservative Christians beat you into submission (let me do it. grins) Stand up for who you are and who you do. We gays add the rainbow to this grey world…not to mention the design industry. Without us, celebrities would wear tacky patterns and homes wouldn't be as be as gorgeous as they are. Television would just be one straight joke after another. It would be absolute chaos. By the way, gays do NOT get sent to hell just for liking the same sex. They get sent to **_Gay Heaven_**, where all the gays go, whether they are good or bad. It's a beautiful place covered in brightly colored silks and cashmeres. There are haut couture stores around every corner and gay bars filled with so many gorgeous men that your heart (among other places) will explode. These gorgeous men fill every one of your fantasies and you will be happy forever and ever more. Bloody hell…I'm sounding sappier than a romantic comedy starring Meg Ryan.

In conclusion, enjoy your gayness! Live your gay life to the fullest and be all the gay man you can be. Shout out to the world '_I'm here! I'm queer! I'm not going anywhere, so get used to it!_' Gayness is to be embraced and perfected, which is why I decided to write this little guide for those of you who have just about given up on being gay.

Hopefully, after you have read these instructions, you will be able to lead very good and proper gay lives. And now…I must be off. I have snog-fest with the Gay-Boy-Who-Lived. That's right, he's GAY! And a great shag. Yes, well anyways…good luck and try your best at The Art of Being Gay.

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I'd really like to know what you guys think! Review!


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